Ya bawlls are moa beautiful than ya think

So many celebs, so many bawlls

Hey Deb, check this out! I was cruisin' the web tonight and I found this article about celebs grabbin' their bawlls in public on some fancy new news source "The Daily Beast". And wouldn't cha know it, THREE of our Bawll Talk featchas are on here. Whata the chances? Our baby tabby Zac Efron, lady-boy Biebs (wait till ya see his stupid hipsta glasses) AND your main squeeze mista Beckham are all in this article or slideshow, whateva it is. I tell ya Deb, I had to chew on a piece a ice after I saw the picha of David. I was on fiyah. There is nuthin' betta, nuthin' betta in this life than seein' a hot man holdin' his own bawlls.

Anyways, this is a good read, a real good read. Apparently Fergie has a dick and Dustin Hoffman has a blast with his bawlls, laughin' his bawlls off with his own bawlls in his hand. You're gonna love it Deb.

Solid Gold Donald Bawlls

Sunday night at tha Doyle residunce can only mean two things: cheese fondue and the Celebrity Apprentice. Oh, The Don. I got frickin stars in my eyes for The Don. Whadda sexy beast. I just know his pubes are combed right over his bawll sack but it don't botha Deb. If the Donald was willing to let ole' Deb have a squeeze, I'd be ok with the extra fuzz swirling around down there, Donny-boy. I bet he's got a pair like a coupla solid gold golf bawlls. Solid gold golf bawlls, covered in a pubic comb-over. Picha it... just close ya eyes and picha it. Mmmm-hmmm. Aw ya. That's what I'm talkin about.

Pauly D's Roasted Nuts

So anutha thing that happened while we wus on hiatus was this brilliant show Jersey Shore. Not a whole lotta good comes outta Jersey but I gotta say, between Jon Bon Jovi and this show, we’re doin alright.

This post is dedicated to my favorite memba Pauly D.

Pauly, I love ya, but I gotta be frank. Ya bawlls are in rough shape my friend.

Tssssssssssssssssssssss. You know what that is Pauly D? That's the sound of my fingatip on ya bawlls. Ya poor little chestnuts are roastin’ in that hot bed you crazy assholes visit every day. Ya hairs are singed ta shit. When ya ejaculate, I smell burnt toast.

Fah Christ sakes Pauly, stop burnin’ ya bawlls! Enough with the tannin’ salons already. Make me a promise Pauly D. Promise Joyce here that yoah neva eva gonna burn that little sack a yoahs eva again. If you wanna keep ‘em bronzed, get a spray tan and aim ya nuts tawads the sky.

Leo's Titanic Bawlls

I’m so happy this movie is comin' out again, this time, in 3D! I love everything about it. The romance, the drahma, the action, the big boat. What do I love most? Young Leo, of course. What a lookah.

I kinda wish those two lovebirds reversed roles in the sketchin’ scene. It would be nice to see Leo drop his drawahs for Kate. Could ya imagine?

“Hey Leo – drop 'em. I’m gonna sketch ya nut sack. Oh by the way, put this diamond necklace around ya waist.” What a sight that would be in 3D. The Heart of the Ocean lyin’ in the middle of a huge bawll cushion. Joyce would be front row centa for that spectacuhl.

Leo has bawlls of Titanic proporshuns, I just know it. The guy only dates supamodels. And those skinny bitches love big bawlls. No doubt about it.

Beibah Bawlls

Hey folks, Deb here. I may not have been updating this blog, but I assure ya, I've been eatin', sleepin' and breathin' bawlls every day since my last post. I dream about bawlls. I see bawlls when I close my eyes and pictcha them through ya pants, handsome. Not that much has changed in the past 3 years. Not that much at all. Oh, wait, I did get black-out wasted on a 12 pack of Smirnoff Ice and 9 months later a baby fell out my lady junk. So, that happened...

Oh, and Beibah-fevah. That happened too. This adorable little lady-boy became a big star. I don't know about you gals, but I like my fantasy men to look like men. Burt Reynolds... now there's a big star. But to each his own, and if you like your fella to be smooth all ova, here's the guy for you. And I don't mean shaved. I mean smooth, like a frickin' Ken doll. Ok, he probably has a tiny wiena, but the Beibah has no bawlls! I can't say for sure, but I'm pretty edumacated in bawllery, and I predict a large empty space in his shorts where his bawlls would be if he was a man.

Sorry Beibah. You're still a kid, maybe ya bawlls will drop soon, hey? Chin up, buttacup.

Crazy, Stupid Bawlls

Who betta to bring Deb and I outta early retirement than the one, the only Ryan Gosling.

This guy has been all ova the news with all his new movies, his chiseled figuah, all those silly ‘Hey Girl’ blogs. He just saved some lady from being run ova by a taxi in NYC. Let me tell you this. If Ryan Gosling pushed me out of harms way, I would grab on to those bawlls and neva let go. The Gos wouldn’t know what hit em. Then I would tell the world I was saved by Ryan Gosling’s hero sack.

Who am I kidding really? We were all saved by Ryan Gosling’s bawlls eva since that damn movie ‘Crazy, Stupid Love’ came out. Holy camoly. I put that movie on once a week and then I pause it during ‘the scene’ just so I can stare at that perfect belly button and follow it right down down tawahds the contouas of the most beautiful bawlls in the world. The only reason I would kick him outta bed would be to bone him on the floor. Shazam.

Back to Bawlls

Hey folks,

Well, it’s been a while, but Bawll Talk is back. I can only chalk it up to Deb and I bein uninspiyad. There just hasn’t been a whole lotta good bawll mahterial out there lately. Oh, and Deb had a baby. I dunno how it’s possible for a 50-year-old hermit who neva even looks at men, let alone sleeps with em, to have a baby (no awfence Deb) but it happened. So we been focusin on the baby, not the bawlls.

Anywhoo, we’re back and betta than eva. And I’ve heard that in the past two years there’s been a whole lotta technology advancements. Twitta, Tumbla, Flicka and such. We’re gonna stick to our blog and our facebook page for right now but once we wrap our heads around this “social media” business you might see us pawp up in some utha places.

Alright, enough babblin’. Let’s talk bawlls.

Worldwide Pants Indeed

So David Letterman sleeps around. With his staff. Does this surprise anyone? He’s a big star! He’s been on TV longer than my little Tony has been alive. Of course he sleeps around! Big effin’ deal. Hell, I would sleep with David Letterman, if he wanted to give ol’ Deb a go. Who am I to turn him down? I bet his bawlls are hilarious. I pictcha me and David on a bear skin rug by the fire… me, in a sexy negligee, David in black shoes, socks with garters, boxa shorts and nuthin’ else… whisperin sweet nuthins while David makes hamburgers and elephants out of his cock and old man bawlls, Puppetry of the Penis style. Mmmmmm. Sexy and hilarious. Togetha at last. Is it getting hot in here…?

600 Bawlls

Gerard Butla was on Leno (early) last night. The man is an angel. Rememba the movie 300? I would say this is one of the best movies of all time. Why you ask? Because it features 600 of the hottest bawlls you’ve eva seen on the big screen. Eva. All marchin’ towards the Battle of Thermopylae. All prepared to die. What I wouldn’t give for a gust a wind to blow those little loincloths off and witness 600 bare Spartan bawlls. The thought of it makes me shudda.

Marilyn Manson’s Snot Bawlls

There are not many things in this world that make me cringe, but Marilyn Manson’s snot bawlls are one of ‘em. Apparently the crazy bastud blew snot bawlls from both nostrils while performing “Beautiful People” up in Canada this week. Ironic and disgustin’.

I think these snot bawlls are the only bawlls Marilyn Manson actually has. His bawlls down unda checked out a long time ago. And by checked out, I mean they’re probably hiding in his stomach somewhere, just prayin’ they don’t have to be a part of the freak show he calls a concert. Marilyn Manson scared the livin’ daylights outta his own bawlls. And he scares the livin' daylights outta Joyce too.

Fake Bawlls

Chaz Bono has bawlls. Literally. Huge bawlls for a girl. Or former girl. Confused? So was she…

Chastity Bono, daughter of Cher and Sonny, was born with lady bits. But inside, Chastity was Chaz – the man you see before you today. Chastity undawent genda reassignment surgery, brave ladyboy that she is. She turned her twat into a twig and got some fake berries implanted. Kinda makes ya wunda if fake bawlls are like fake boobs… if done right, you wouldn’t even be able to tell. As a ball connoisseur, I like to think I’d be able to tell the difference. I’d like to put Chaz’s balls in one of those mystery boxes and Jon Bon Jovi’s bawlls in anotha, grab a bottle of zinfandel and a pack of Marlboros, throw on Slippery When Wet and play “Are they real?” all night long. Doesn’t even matter if I’m wrong, Deb doesn’t discriminate in any mattas relatin’ to bawlls.

The pic above shows Chastity and Chaz - then and now.

Playbawlls

Check out this pic of Hugh Hefner havin’ a snooze at his 83rd birthday pardy. Hef ain’t exactly the young buck he useta be, but I’d be willin’ ta bet his 83 year old balls have some stories to tell. In fact, his two bawlls probably have more stories than 20 bawlls put togetha.

If Hugh’s bawlls could talk, it’d go sumthin’ like this:

Bawll1: I’m tired.
Bawll2: Me too. And cold.
Bawll1: What?
Bawll2: I don’t remember.
Bawll1: I’m tired.

Get it? He’s old. And so are his old, old bawlls. Sure, there was a time when Hugh had his bawlls caressed by some of the wurlds sexiest and slutiest women. But now the only thing caressin’ his bawlls is his Depends Ultras. We all had our heyday, but no one is exempt from old bawlls. Except all women. Take that, men and ya bawlls. Suckas.

Snoop Dogg's Supa Bawlls

So apparently Snoop Dogg has been appointed Creative Chairman of Priority Records. He’s callin’ himself the “Boss Dogg” of the labul. You wanna know what I call him? The “Supa High Boss Dogg”. This is a lot a responsibility for such a stona. Oh well, at least he’s the “creative” chairman. Cause you know everyone is more creative after a puff of the funny stuff. Snoop Dogg’s bawlls are probably even high. I can just picture them down there “hey man, you wanna smoke?”, then they start blowin’ supas to each utha. What a sight that would be. Two little bawlls, hot boxin’ Snoop's drawers. Geez, I wanna smoke with those two little buggas. Betta than hot boxin' the showah, I bet-cha!

I wanna lay you down in a bed of roses Jon Bon Jovi

Who doesn’t love Bon Jovi’s bawlls? I’d like to know. He is an utta saint and his bawlls are the best in the biz.

He’s not shy about it neitha. Bon Jovi knows he’s got great bawlls and a great bawd ta boot. The way he’s always posin’ and stripin’ for the camera. Those bawlls can seduce an entire concert arena with one thrust and a kick to the speaka.

Don’t kid yaselves ladies. Ya think his voice is sexy? Ya think it’s the tousled hair and chisled feachas that get cha? Nope. Really you’re just being hypnotized by his nuts. It’s like they’re swingin’ two little pocket watches in ya faces.

Good on ya Jon Bon – you’ve got us all figuad out. Hip thrusts in tight denim will get us every time. And to think, these bawlls are from the beautiful Garden State of Jersey? Not much comes out of Jersey; take it from Deb and me. But we can say that we are the home of Jon Bon Jovi and his perfect, seductive bawlls, so that’s sumthin’.

Beltre’s Bruised Bawlls

So this guy, Adrian Beltre, tore and bruised his bawll sac the utha day while playing baseball.

Read the story here.

Earth to Adrian! Ya supposed to wear one of those plastic cups if you play sports, ya silly asshole. You think they’re uncomftable? What’s more uncomftable Adrian? A cup on ya bawlls or the look on that special someone’s face when she goes down there and sees a big, blue, swollen sac? I think I know the ansa. Not to mention the feeling you must get when ya walkin' like a duck down the street. Now that's uncomftable.

Protect ya bawlls Adrian. I neva wanna have ta post about this issue again. It’s too upsetting.

Do Ya Bawlls Hang Low?

Now that's what I like to see... a nice, perky pair. These could be your bawlls, Harrison Ford, Iggy Pop and Crazy Nick Nolte. Old bawlls = droopy bawlls, but not anymore. Not with the Ball Lifter®. Say good bye to ya sad, droopy bawlls forever Mick Jagger, Mel Gibson and Regis. This nut-raising lil' contrapshun is a lifesava for ya saggin sack. Ya hear me talkin' David Letterman, Sly Stallone and Michael Douglas (and ya pop Kirk too)! Deb wouldn't just endorse any old nad product either (like this trash - the Ball Bra), the Ball Lifter® is a leada in nut-heightinin' technology. Just drop ya low hanging fruit into the straps and ta-da! Instant bawll buldge. This gets Deb's "Consuma Choice Awud". They outta send me some cash for this. And while at it, send a Ball Lifter® to Tommy Lee Jones.

Robin Williams’ Fur Bags

If those arms are any indication of how hairy Robin’s bawlls are, I mean those have got to be some bushy ass bawlls. You would need a good hedge clippa, maybe even a whippa snippa to clear a passage to those bawlls. Who knows? Maybe Robin likes his fluff bawlls? But it must get hot in the summa. Not this summa (I’ve only used the AC once!) but any utha regula summa. I bet those bawlls are down there pantin’ and fannin’ themselves, just prayin’ for a trim. Hey Robin, cut ya bawlls some slack and take their sweatahs off, for the summa at least.

Ray Romano’s Bawlls are always frownin’

Why is it that Debra neva wants anything to do with Ray’s bawlls? Oh, wait a minute, I know why. It’s because they’re sooo boring. Droopy, sagging, boring bawlls. And so saracastic. I’d like to slap some sense into those floppy, smart ass bawlls. Hey Ray, maybe if ya bawlls weren’t so sarcastic you would get some more sac action from Debra, ya silly asshole.

P. Diddy's Crystal Bawlls

Mo money, mo problems? Yup. Apparently the IRS is lookin’ for ya, Diddy. Something about not paying ya back taxes… but how could that be? Ya covered in crazy bling and ya pour Cristal all ova tha floor for ya “dead homie” Biggie Smowlls. You own multiple homes, cars; ya take vacations in exotic island paradises. That pinky ring costs more than my house! Jeezus, I bet ya bawlls are made from Swarovski crystals and ya undies are made from the finest silks money can buy. Everything you do is so damn extravagant – don’t get me wrong, I would love to go to one of ya parties – but I need you to pay ya taxes so I can keep gettin’ my welfare cheques.

On the utha hand, if you need a bawll-polisher to keep them Swarovski’s gleamin’ and glistenin’, Deb comes qualified. And cheap. But not that cheap, we all know ya have the money, ya bastud.