BawllFreak

There's 3 things in life that scare the crap outta me and they are, in orda:

1. Clowns
2. Matthew McConaughey
3. Magicians

Not that you could call what Criss Angel does "magic". He mostly just wears his diamond encrustud jewels, ripped jeans and no shirt, and parades around making silly banta with paid actors and stagin' camera tricks. Goofball. I saw him once in Vegas and he was wearin' more make-up than I was. Plus, I checked out the package and I gotta say, for tight pants there wasn't much bulge goin' on. Either he made his bawlls disappear or Criss was born a lady. I'm working on my own "illusion", and it involves Criss' bawlls levitating really low over a campfire while children make s'mores and sing "Kum Bay Ya". Ya, it's kinda weird. What? I'm still workin' on it...

Side note: Criss kinda looks like my ex-husbands first wife, Barb... Coincidence?

Rubber Bawlls at my Fingatips

Check out this gem. I can’t believe it’s finally happened. “You got balls anti-stress balls”. Those stupid stress balls always reminded me of real bawlls, howeva, this is genius. I ordered a pair and I’ve squooshed those bawlls every day since they arrived. Squoosh Squoosh Squoosh. I literally turn into a zombie, sittin’ there, eyes closed, squooshin’ my squishy little fake bawlls for hours.
Note to the manufacturer: I’m sorry, but this is a terrible name for your product. I guess you’re alludin’ to the stressed out power suit on the front. I get it. But you don’t have to be so literal. Have some fun with it. It could be the stress ball scrotum, stress-tesicles, even. I tell ya Deb, I’m in the wrong business.

Bawlldwin Boys

Ah, the Baldwin Brothers. I would marry any of one of 'em for the name alone. To be referred to as Deb Baldwin-Doyle would be like a dream come true...

Alec, the hottest and most "age-appropriate", is also the scariest. I hear he has a tempa that rivals mine. But I could look past our similarities if his bawlls are as dashing as he was in Knots Landing.

Stephen, the born again Christian baby-Bawlldwin, probably has a pair like a 6 year old.

Daniel was recently on that VH1 Celebrity Rehab show and I fell in love. Sure, he's been arrested multiple times and has done enough of the cocaine to kill a small horse, but Deb's a sucka for the bad ones. Danny, I got a glass coffee table and your bawlls can crash on my couch any night, you pick.

Who the hell is Billy Baldwin? Seriously, his Wikipedia page says he's been in like 50 movies, but I rememba nothin' about him. I bet his balls are invisible.

ZZ Bawlls

Much like Joyce and myself, ZZ Top have been rockin' for 40 years. Call me crazy, but every time I throw on the Best of ZZ Top, I find myself wundurin' what the bawll situation is on these fellas. I picture each bawll having its own knee length beard. I'd like to spend some time with ZZ Top, a magnum of zinfandel and four pairs of tiny novelty sunglasses. Wuddya say boys, let's see what happens, huh? Just lookin' for some tush? I got some tush right here for ya. I ain't asking for much.

Twinkle Toes Clooney

Here’s a picture of George Clooney when he came to the Dominican last summa. Not one of your most flattering shots George, ya silly asshole. Anyways, we got to talkin’, I offered him a Presidente, and the next thing you know, I was the center of the Clooney universe. George was all over me like a bad smell. And let me tell ya Deb, it’s been a while, but I wouldn’t touch those bawlls with a 20 foot pole. That Clooney has been around the block and back. Don’t get me wrong, George is a looker ... but only from the head to the waistline. Those bawlls have been exposed to some craziness and Joyce does not want to be a part of it. Get off my back Clooney. I got standuds.

Bob's Bawlls

Oh, sweet Bob Ross and ya happy little brush strokes. I can't think of anything I'd rather do than watch Bob paint lone mountains and rustic winta woods, all the while speakin' in his soothin' voice. Mr. Ross, please consida this an open invitation to come over and paint Deb, Titanic style. Ya know what I'm sayin' Bob? Ya catchin' my drift?

I wonda if Bob's bawlls are as silky smooth as his mellow voice, or if the carpet matches the afro'd drapes... I truly wonda...

Full House of Bawlls

Whatever happened to Jesse Katsopolis? Remember that show Deb, Full House? Now that was a good show. I watched it just so I could look at the bulge in Uncle Jesse’s jeans. I always wundud if he maintained his bawll hair as well as he maintained that gorgeous mop of hair on his head. He probably had a whole line of bawll maintenance products. Bawll hair gel, anti-wrinkle bawll cream, extra hold bawll spray, extra fullness bawll mousse. I would love to style those bawlls. In fact, I would like to fill my house with Uncle Jesse’s bawlls.

Triple Play

Three men, only five bawlls between 'em:

1. Matthew McConaughey, adorable as he is, scares the living crap outta me. Didja hear he buried the placenta from his childs birth under a tree in his garden? Look it up. All I can say about his bawlls is that if they're anything like his tiny raptor arms, they must be like two lil' raisins. And Deb doesn't like raisins.

2. Lance Armstrong is a living doll. I don't care if he only has the one ball, because the sperm from that one ball could probably still get past 2 condoms, my hysterectomy, a mac truck and the Brooklyn bridge to impregnate me. Live Strong, indeed.

3. If little Jakey Gyllenhall's bawlls are as cute as he is, I would put a bonnet on them and roll them around the neighborhood in a stroller and the utha mothers would just die at the sight of my sweet baby bawlls.

LeBawller

There's been some talk about this guy being the best basketball player of all time. Let me tell ya Deb, he's definitely got my vote for best bawlls of all time. LeBron needs a basket, in fact, he needs two huge baskets to contain those bawlls. How does a man with such gigantic bawlls move so fast and jump so high? If you look carefully, you can see the outline of his enormous bawlls through those silky shorts. I'm just waiting for the day when those beautiful black bawlls escape through his undashorts and we see three bawlls bouncing down the court...like a Halloween dream. Deb and I wouldn't mind dribblin' those balls neitha. Take 'em to the basket and get two slam dunks, simultaneously, one after the utha.

Deb's Delish Rum Bawlls

My little Tony loves these Rum Bawlls. The recipe is a family secret. Not my family, my ex-husbands, so enjoy!

1 cup (250 mL) icing sugar
1 cup (250 mL) ground almonds
3 oz (90 g) bittersweet chocolate grated
1/3 cup (75 mL) dark rum
1 tsp (5 mL) vanilla
1/2 cup (125 mL) chocolate sprinkles

Line trays with waxed paper; set aside.

In large bowl, whisk icing sugar, almonds and bittersweet chocolate. Stir in 1/4 cup (50 mL) of the rum and vanilla until solid moist mass; press together. Chill until firm enough to roll, about 15 minutes.

Roll by rounded teaspoonfuls (5 mL) into balls, moistening and wiping hands with damp cloth as needed. Place on prepared trays.

Pour remaining rum into shallow bowl. Pour chocolate shot (the sprinkles) into separate shallow bowl. Roll balls in rum then in chocolate, pressing lightly to adhere. Let dry on tray, 1 hour. Refrigerate until firm.

Adorabawlls

Holy smokes, Joyce, have you ever heard of this adorable little Shia LaBeouf? I hear he's in some sort of children's movie, Transformers or something? Well my goodness, I'm going to have to take my little Tony to see this one if it means I can get a glimpse of Shia's pair of LeBeouf's. Adorabawlls, simply adorabawlls.

Hoff's "hot bawlls" turned wrinkly

There was a time when the Hoff had hot bawlls. The best in the biz. I saw "Baywatch" once or twice. But lately all you hear about is his boozing ways. Less booze, more balls says Deb. Unless they're as wrinkly as those puppies. And by "puppies", I mean the dogs.

Chuck's Bawll Room

Chuck Norris has so much bawlls, it's like Chuck E. Cheese's bawll room down there. Kids are getting lost in Chuck's bawlls... I haven't seen my little Tony since Tuesday.